Saturday, October 5, 2013

Innocence Denied (Blogophilia 32.6, Conclusion of 1st 48 parody)

In the Memphis homicide of Ronald Duck, Sullens and Brick are about to interview their primary suspect, Age, also known as Christopher Mitchell, after he was picked up begging on the street.

"Mr. Mitchell?  I'm Sgt Sullens and this is my colleague, Sgt Brick.  How are you today."

"Fine.  You look familiar.  Aren't you on that show...what is it?  First Something?"

"You've heard of us?  Good, then you know what we are about."

"You guys hunt killers.  But, I'm not one of those."

"Really?  Anyway, we are investigating the death of a man on Beale St. yesterday and your name has come up in the investigation.  We'd like to hear what you were doing, say about 8:00PM."

"I'm homeless, so I was just hanging around the Orpheum singing the blues and hustling money."

"I thought you drove a taxi? What happened with that?"

"Got fired from that gig a couple of weeks ago. Boss didn't like me."

Sgt Brick fishes in a folder and takes out a sheet of paper.

"Have you seen this man?" [Brick shows a picture of Duck to him]

"Yeah.  Saw him get tossed out of the theater.  He was loud, saying that the doll he was with was a real girl.  Even a block away I could see the Uncanny Valley.  That wasn't no real girl."

Brick begins to drill into her suspect.  "I understand you have experience with that?"

"Uh... well, yeah.  Been busted with rubber chicks more than once. Never hurt nobody, just like a little...thrill, you know? And they don't smart talk back."

Maryann Brick's eyes widen.  "You have a problem with women talkin'?  If so, you are in the wrong office."

"Hey, don't get all Hamilton Burger on me." Mitchell replies. "You ain't a D.A. You ain't even Lt. Tragg, and I don't have to talk to you."

"What did I do to deserve this?!"  Brick's eyes roll up to the ceiling. 

"Brick, calm down." Sullens stops to light a cigarette.  Blowing a perfect ring into Mitchell's face, he continues the interview.

"We have witnesses who say you were there at the time of the murder. Now, it's time to tell your side of the story.  Let me hear it from the beginning."

"Like I said, I was hustling money from the tourists.  Got enough for some Four Roses, but I decide to hang a bit more.  Anyway, I hear the commotion from across the street.  Security guard actually pushes goofy dude into the street and tells him to get his whore out of there before he puts his ass in County jail.  Dude gets clipped by a car as he started back towards me.  I head up to him to see if he's alright, and he swings the doll around like she's some kind of club.  I catch her by her rubber boobies and pull him off his feet.  He kind of kept going head first into the wall.  It sounded like a egg cracking.  I didn't stick around."

"You left a hurt man on the sidewalk?  Pretty cold, ain't it?" Sullens takes another drag.

"You kiddin'?  Goofy might get up and want use me as his toy.  He looked pretty crazy to me with his red head and webbed feet.  For all I know, he could have been with that Martian and the odd dog he hangs out with. And they've got toys I don't want any part of"

The detectives glance at each other, then let the matter drop. They signal Mitchell rise up and turn around. Sullens clicks the handcuffs and hands him off to the jail officers.  They have closed the case.

In the 1st 48...

  • Memphis Homicide was called out to the scene on Beale St.
  • Misidentified the body as Commander Dannye Kaye
  • Which caused Lt. Marvin Martian to take a leave of absence.
  • The Medical Examiner properly identified the body as Ronald Duck
  • Indentified a subject, A.G.E. and brought him in for questioning
  • And he confessed...

A couple of days later, Lt. Marvin Martian returns to the office.  Brick, Sullens and Farthing welcome him back and bring him up to date on the status of the case.

"Oh, yes... I know that Age character from a ways back.  Quite an imagination.  He thinks my Taser is a Iludium PU-38 space modulator, like in the cartoon.  I got rid of that thing years ago when I joined the 3-D world.  It only works in 2D."

Charges against Christoper "a.g.e." Mitchell for Voluntary Manslaugter were subsequently dropped after further investigation indicated self defense.  No other suspects were ever charged.


  1. HAHA! Excellent conclusion! Poor A.G.E. was indeed only practicing self defense! Imagine being swung on by a rubber babe! Great story! And Frist am I?

    1. And, YES! He is the first here, too.

      This is my luck. Plastic women everywhere.

  2. Love this conclusion...... Great JOB!!

  3. Maybe we'll see the sequel on Cold Cases??


    1. June 2023.....It's been almost 10 years since Ronald Duck was found with his neck wrung on Beale St and Shelby County cold case detectives have picked up his file...

  4. "rubber boobies" ah poor AGE Glad he was released he sings a mean blues

  5. A.G.E. surely must know I only use my weapons as a last resort. But The dog on the other hand... 8 rubber duck points Earthling! :)

    1. I still have Shirley, by the way. She's less plastic that your average stripper.

  6. Self defense always work in the Bluff City, what with jail overcrowding, and the local penal farm just not being what it once was... but Christopher was guilty as all get out. I mean, I am glad he got off, but still...