Monday, January 15, 2018

I Wasn't Cut Out For This (Blogophilia 47.10)



Well, that escalated quickly.
{Opens another beer}
After all that work, I’m out of a job.
Who knew that crazy Psychic knew my boss? I thought a video of fools dancing like no one was watching would bring ratings. Everybody loves fools, right? But, noooo.... It seems turning on the cameras without their consent was against State Law. It isn’t fair. Sister Joleene gets to run her scam and I get left out in the cold. Maybe I’ll call that law firm Harry Handy shills for, what was their name? Slappey and Sadd? See if there is a First Amendment thing, or maybe age discrimination.
Anyway, I won’t have to hear the Pointy Hair Boss the station called a Producer shatter me in front of the staff anymore. He wouldn’t know a good story if hit him in the face.
Think of the money saved on Rogaine and Just for Men. I can work from home writing PR copy. That’s what most of the news is anyway. I’ll be able to buy drinks for my friends at the bar anytime I want and not have to chase crazy people and oddball leads.
I’ll just pull up the laptop and enjoy some stupid cat videos. Better than looking at the plastic bimbos.
Hmm... Another Email from Turtle Boy. He seems to be healthy, which is a lot better than when I left him. I guess he didn’t hear the news. Well, what do you know, he’s with Bo Peep and her Sheep. They have settled at Old McDonald’s place and have established a home for wayward lambs. Here’s a link..{click}....Oh, myyyyy...{click}
Well, that’s enough internet for today.
I wonder if the news is on...
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Topic (Dance like no one is watching)-Tyler Myrth
Pic Guesses- Cat People, Watching the world go by, Mates, Purrfection, Matching outfits, long cool woman

Tuesday, January 9, 2018

Too Old (Blogophilia 46.10)

I’m getting too old for this.
In the last couple of days, I’ve dealt with a just silly guy who thinks he is a turtle, a woman with a sheep gimp and a bunch of disappearing cops. Only think missing is a partridge in a pear tree.
So, who...or what...is behind all this madness?
To find out, I return to the Psychic’s shack. I’m met at the door by Larry, his brother Darryl and his other brother Darryl yelling they found the solution. Channeling my inner Moe, I smacked them with a lamp. I had to laugh as their heads rattled together. But it was effective. The noise slowed down enough to where I could understand what they were saying.
They had a brainstorming session after I left, while Joleene fed them tea. First thing they did was list out the sequence of events and a pattern arose. Trevor remembered something about a movie from long ago. Close Something or other. He showed me an image of a large rock that looked vaguely familiar. Jay piped up it also had a five tone call from from something like a space ship. If this was true, maybe the tone could be played backward and everything would reverse.
Oh, like when you play a country song backwards, you get your truck back, your woman back and you sober up? This was sillier than Turtle Boy. This was standing in deep water and bailing yourself out with a straw.
My head was spinning. All I could do was sit down and drink a cup of tea.
The tea? Uh oh...
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Topic (Long Ago)-Stephen Lee Jackson
Pic guesses-Space Ship (in blog), Titanic, Around the world in 80 days, Airship, Love in the air, Balloon, Romeo takes Juliet,

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Bo Peep (Blogophilia 45.10)

Looking up from the mike, it seemed half the crowd had vamoosed out the back. The joke was on them. The cops were at the Topless place across the street. As the last chords of the song chop-chopped away, a pudgy petite girl in a peppermint teddy was being escorted out the fine establishment by security. The back was towards me, but I could tell by the bobbing cotton candy hair Candy Cane was mad about something. A bald dude trying to stop his nose from bleeding followed. Poor sap. Didn’t anyone teach the boy about touching dancers?
Looking around, it appeared Turtle Boy had also ebbed out with the tide. Probably a good idea. I was about do the same when a soft voice called out.
“Going somewhere, Chrissy?”
Blood ran to my face and really bad memories filled my head. It had been many years since my Mother had called me that. I turned to see Patchouli girl and Fleece Collar were standing next between me and the exit. They looked very different. She was now in a blue pinafore dress holding a walking staff.The short guy’s jacket was gone, showing the fleece came all the way down to his waist. He was holding a large silver gun in a clip attached to what looked like a black hoof. My hands lifted on their own accord. Patchouli did the talking.
“It occurs to me we never were introduced. My name is Bo...Bo Peep. And this is my Sheep, Dolly. We are adding to our flock”
Hooking the staff around my neck, she pulled me close. “Don’t bother looking for your weird friend. We’ve already taken care of him.”
I looked over her shoulder at the commotion across the street. Pink Girl was being loaded into a cruiser. Refocusing on her eyes, I replied:
“I wasn’t planning to. He was more trouble than he was worth.” I paused a moment. “So, what is this about?”
Bo smiled and shook her blond locks.
“We understand you are also looking for some lost sheep?”
“Actually... OOOWWWW!!”
My ears rang from the slap. Dolly pulled me up to his nose. I almost gagged from smell of lanolin and manure. In a jackhammer voice, he said.
“What do you think this is, a game of Candy Crush?” The hammer was clicked for emphasis. “Listen and listen good. You go back to Sister Joleene and figure out where Flopsie went. She sheared us a while back and we want our pound of wool. Got it?”
Eyes wide, I nodded.
Realizing he was finished, he pushed me over the edge of the stage. Face down, I stayed still as hooves and heels clattered along the scarred wooden floor. The front door opened and closed with a slam. When I looked up, they were gone. Walking unafraid, I headed toward the front door. I never like to leave things unfinished. Yeah. I’m going back to the crazy psychic. There has to be an answer.
I made a resolution, though, to never to follow a turtle into a bar again.
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Pic Guesses: Peppermint (in blog), Candy Crush (in blog), Candy Cane (in blog), Cotton Candy (in blog), Holiday sweets, sugar lips, sprite,

Sunday, December 31, 2017

Moonshadow (Blogophilia 44.10)

Funny thing about Google searches. You start down one path and you find yourself in a world you never expected. Seems as though Turtle Boy may have been on to something. In the last several months, several writers had disappeared, one after another. One of the more puzzling was a guy named Dave, writing dispatches from the Snowy Badlands. Most people found his folksy humor endearing and his audience looked forward to his stuff every week.
One day, Dave’s empty Stetson was found on the grounds of the Arboretum outside St. Paul, with no indications on where he went. No witnesses or evidence was left behind. His car was still at his residence along with all of his belongings. A missing person’s report went into the round file, since he was (supposedly) an adult and there was no indication of foul play. A rumor he was feeding loons in Lake Woebegone circulated, but no one really believed that. Nothing had come up until I stumbled on a cryptic message from the Northwoods indicating the Aurora was involved. The date was the same as when Trevor’s sheep vanished. I needed confirmation.
I dug through my notes for T.B.’s contact. Picking it up on the first ring, he agreed to meet me in a seedy bar on the west side. One of those places where you do what you don’t confess. It took a minute to pick him out of the smoke, seated at a table with his back to the wall, Michaelagelo shirt this time. In front of him was a Blue Moon pizza. That puzzled me. That shop was clear across town. The barmaid looked at us like she was going to throw us out, but I ordered a couple of Third Coast ales and wings. She went away.
The place was so loud it was hard to keep up with T.B.’s patter. But the gist of what he said was a space ship was involved in all the disappearances, including the one at the Mystic Joleene’s.
Funny, He’d never give me a chance to tell him about that. I wonder.
But before I could ask, a cute girl in a black dress pulls me up off my chair for Karaoke. As we approach the stage, I try to tell her I sing like a frog. But her patchouli perfume overwhelms my senses. All I can think about is what is under the dress.
Never say never, I guess.
The song started. “Long Cool Woman”. That was fitting. As I croaked the words, a short dude comes waddling into the bar, wearing a leather jacket with a wool fleece collar. Something was very familiar about him.
Sirens started sounding in the background.
I knew I was in trouble.

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Pic Guesses: Waddling (in blog) Happy Feet, Formal, Ping-u-win, Emperor, Snow Slide, Too Cold, Ice Capades,

Thursday, December 21, 2017

Late Night (Blogophilia 43.10)

"Hey, Heidy and Howdy. It's Harry Handy, your randy dandy late night DJ here on WOFT, old fart's radio, 101.1 on your internet dial. A big shout out to tonight's sponsor, the domestic litigation firm of Slappey and Sadd. If he gets slappy, we'll make him sad...and on that note, more sappy holday tunes..."
I clicked off the radio. Can't Christmas be over already? Every song played is super fast tempo, even "Jingle Bells." Like the stores want you to move faster, buy faster and think less. Yeah. Think less sounds about right. The older I grow, the wiser Ebeneezer sounds.
Shoot, even Santa's downsized to one Reindeer and he's an undocumented Caribou chased out by the oil fields.
How long have I been staring at this screen? 1:45 AM? Facebook is such a time suck. I never did get to those searches on Turtle Boy. But it was fun to find the ex's page. Looks pretty much like I expected her to, kind of pudgy and sad. Just as paranoid as ever, though. I'm surprised she even agreed to put up a profile picture.
And that couple saying how they were retiring to the Northwoods? Man, would you go already? I realize where you live isn't the most hospitable place and you have to sell your practice. But you've been touting that line for five years. It's time to fish or cut bait.
What's this? Someone posted a bottle tree. Kind of cute. After dealing with the psycho Psychic and Grim, I could contribute a few Holiday Cheer ornaments. Speaking of which.
{Opens a beer and takes a slug}
Anyway, I need to get at this project or the Roast Beast will be mutton, which would make Whoville sad. And the mailman's fe-mails won't be his to deliver.
That's creepy. Here's a recipe for crown rack of lamb.
Facebook is reading my thoughts.
Is the world crazy, or is it just me?
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Merry Christmas, Martien Ecrits
1st writer prompt-Use a recurring character-Harry Handy
2nd writer prompt-Grinch Who Stole Christmas-Roast Beast, Whoville
1st picture submitted by Colleen Keller Breuning
2nd picture submitted by Doris Emmett
1st picture guesses-1) Bottle Tree (in blog), Holiday cheer (in blog), Wassail, Merry Gentlemen
2nd picture guesses-Santa Downsized (in blog), Undocumented (in blog), Caribou (in blog), Economy size,

Thursday, December 14, 2017

Gripes of Wrath (Blogophilia 42.10)

All I could was shake my head as I drove out of the parking lot. That was the craziest circus I had ever seen. Was Grim insane? The meeting really wasn't going well, but still. Makes me wonder if he isn't the Terror
I had to admit the carny show was top notch. The disappearing globe was good enough to fool Penn and Teller. So, where did the Mary's and their lambs go? Gypsy Joleene is in on it, for sure. But, How? And more importantaly, why?
Let me think... Six months the email came. Some nitwit wanting to tell about writers disappearing. One with nationwide significance. It sounded kind of fishy and I was about to blow him off, when the boss said they needed something for Sweeps Week. I decided I'd go ahead and hear him out. Didn't know where it would lead, but all I had was time to waste. And I'm not one to turn down a free lunch.
We met at one those weird Asian places out on the Four Lane- something Hot Pot. He showed up dressed as Michaelangelo and wore a Rafael t-shirt-the Ninja Turtles, not the artists. It was a little over the top, but I had seen worse. Take the interview with Domo Kun Cosplayer at the Anime Fest, I couldn't understand a word through all that felt. Some people love their 'toons.
After we were seated, He suggested the Terrapin soup. The menu was in Chinese, so just too the lead. It wasn't like anything I'd ever had, that's for sure. The bowl seemed to be as big as the table and it was half filled with a thin broth with little flecks of dark green meat. Could have been Martian for all I knew. But the flavor...not really spicy, but it left a burning sensation down the back of my throat. I was thankful for the cold beer that came with it.
Anyway, Turtle Guy was hunting for someone who had disappeared in Florida. A friend that owed him money. So, why come to a two bit features reporter? It wasn't like some massive exposé involving the Governor, but a missing dead beat with no assets. He kept going on and on about the missing guy, evil turtles, and other nonsense. It was one of those interviews. I questioned his sanity and mine. Without missing a beat, the joint is lit in front of God and everybody. He offered it to me.
Looking nervously toward the door, I shook my head.
"This isn't a moonlight ride."
The smoke hit his throat wrong. After a full minute of coughing, he weakly replied.
"Let me get to the point." He said, dabbing his spit covered lips with a stained napkin. "You don't know how it feels. This Gypsy Lady took his money and mine, too."
I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. I never had any use for "Psychics" after that incident in college. Lucky the cop believed me rather than her, or I would have been expelled. But it did make finish the Journalism degree, so I guess I can't complain. Something I learned since then is all of those "New Age" types have a schtick; a scripted act designed to divert and distract. Every one of the scams has a kryptonite factor. The key was to find it and the truth would bust out like a butterfly from her chrysallis.
The pungent smoke was burning my eyes. I excused myself.
"I got to head on down the road." I said. "There's somewhere I've got to go."
I turned out on to the Four Lane to head back to the station. I looked up and realized I was passing the restaurant. Those poor lambs were in deep trouble.


Maybe I'll get lucky with Googling.

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Dang. Posted this without the guesses. Must not have had enough coffee.
Pic guesses-Domo Kun (in blog), Monster, Gossamer, Scream, Anime (in blog), Japanese, My Boss.