Monday, May 6, 2013

Sales Pitch (Blogophilia 11.6)







In a non-descript suburban skyscraper outside Dallas, Tx…

Rrrrinng

Rrrrinng

“Hello.  It’s a great night here at Devil’s Quill communications. If you are going through Hell, keep going!  My name is Bale, how may I help you? 

Yes, we have specialized Wrath Telemarketing and E-marketing solutions to any annoying situation...You say your ex-wife did what?  Ran off with your best ex-friend Ray?... No, Sir.  We aren’t the company that handles adultery against spouses, that would be our affiliate Greener Pastures…She took the dog and kids, too? That is terrible! I’m so sorry, Sir.   Maybe could I interest you in our menu of wrath and false witness options?  We don’t do the violence ourselves, but several of our lying solutions have been known to end in the death of the recipient by playing on the human desire for control...How does it work?  We start with recorded life insurance pitches that emphasize the imminence of death and action needs to be taken to protect the loved ones. Appealing to the mothering and protection instincts always works like a charm  As we make our pitch, our proprietary virus software obtains all of her pertinent financial information and we send all her money to an account we control.  They can see it, but they and their attorneys are denied access for a variety of reasons.  As she starts losing control of her emotions, we then start an aggressive debt collection procedure in which unspecified legal action is threatened.  We slowly build the pressure up until any restraining element to her violent nature is stripped away and she lashes out.  At best  she ends up in prison, and maybe dead.  And we can offer this all to you for the low, low price of $500 and right of first refusal on your Soul at the time of your death.  A great bargain in any light…Yes, your Soul, Sir... Sir?  Are you still there?  Sir?”



I've got to improve that last line...

15 comments:

  1. Well - my bloggy still in draft is called Sales Pitch also. Ha ha always good to use former prompts. Hmmm yeah the soul thing has to be more subtle lol

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    1. Oh, you remember the first Devil's Quill piece? That was a long time ago.(I couldn't find it in the archives) And, of course, the structure is ripped off Archangel's Protection Service.

      Be careful who you call.

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  2. Bam! This is brilliant! The perfect blend of all 3 prompts, just seamless and a total hoot! Very clever, Christopher. I really enjoyed this one..... as those telemarketers sure get under my skin..... ;)

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    1. As soon as Tyler said something about Devils, I knew where I was going.

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  3. Loved it! I despise them telemarketers

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  4. hahaha! 8 points Earthling! Now may I have the account number that I may deposit these 8 points into? :)
    Marvin

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    1. A.G.E c/o First Mars Bank. Acct# OICU812.

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  5. Maybe if he offered her soul instead??

    TM

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    1. That might work. Especially if he can get it written into the divorce settlement.

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  6. HA, that is one hell of a sales pitch.

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  7. A clever write here... glad I never had a sales pitch like that to give or listen to!

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  8. No improvement needed Christopher...THAT was very effective! The sad and scary part is...I wonder if "someone" hasn't already thought up this very thing...sounds like something a lawyer might conjure up ...a lot of them have their soul sitting in the devil's pawn shop I think ;-) ~ Demme ~

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    1. Oh, I am sure they have. How else does the Title Pawn and Payday Loan rackets stay in business.

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