Buzzwords (Blogophilia 5.6.2)

Good morning and welcome to Orange Inc.  My name is Joe Task and I started this company.

Most people compare us to that other fruit company.  The one that makes computers.  People think they are so great and they changed the world with their "innovative" products, like phones and media players and junk.  But in reality, it's my company that began the nightmare.

We manufacture Buzzwords. 

We took the normal things in offices and homes from around the world and using our patented fraction distillation grammatical methodology (patent pending) and renamed them.  Our words serve to make people seem more businesslike and "professional".  Yes, we invented the "Forward Thinking Manager".  We turned a simple letter into a "Personal Communications Statement." And turned mass layoffs into "Right Sizing and Redeploying Our Human Capital".  All this to support a "Lean Environment", which allows for "Revenue Supluses" to accrue to our "Stakeholders".  

Whatever the business term, we turn it on it's head.  Customers become "Revenue Sources".  Your salesmen are now "Client Facing Experience Engineers".  The Accountants are "Process Tracking Specialist.  Anyway, you get the idea.

Our mission is to have people so confused that they don't realize a "Domestic Pleasure Intervention Director" is the hooker your husband hired last night and a "Property Application Specialist" is the burglar that took your mother's heirloom ring.  And we counter the resentment by our Revenue Sources by deploying "Property Security Directors" to escalate their concerns to our "Harmonizing Executive Locating  Level and director Saton L. Beelzebub.  Mr. Beelzebub is also my boss.  I signed everything over to him after losing a poker game in Vegas.  Yeah, it sucks.  Or should I say a "Less Than Optimal Outcome". 

I guess I better live up to my name. 

Damn it, Lucifer!  Can't you keep the coffee warm?


Comments

  1. sueMarch 26, 2013 at 10:04 PM

    I snickered out loud -

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Another Government EmployeeMarch 26, 2013 at 10:10 PM

      This one has been brewing a while. The last several weeks I have been training on a contract and have had to learn the internal jargon of the business. And there is a lot of it. Pair that with walls of "motivational" images, it is overload.

      Delete
  2. AnonymousMarch 26, 2013 at 11:43 PM

    This is optimum humor, at its finest, Christopher. Love it!

    Myke

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousMarch 27, 2013 at 1:03 AM

    Great job!!!m(whyiotter)

    ReplyDelete
  4. trevMarch 27, 2013 at 3:24 AM

    AHAHAHAHAHAH... this is hilarious Christopher...
    I fell off my chair laughing when I got to "Domestic Pleasure Intervention Director"... ahahahha.. blinking brilliant!!...
    you need do a few more like this pal...
    you got my head buzzing!!!!...
    the Domestic Engineer .. we know as the House Wife should love this ...lol
    the next time you start up a business.. stay out of Vegas OK?...
    I bet they love you there!!!... ahahah
    try to improve on your "Less Than Optimal Outcome" status Christopher .... lol
    spectacular blog and such a brilliant concept .... loved it!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. AnonymousMarch 30, 2013 at 7:01 AM

    Very Clever!

    Sharonlee

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

In Honor of Al Jaffee

The image below is probably the most politically incorrect graphic the great comic artist Al Jaffee ever produced. Originally published in a special issue of MAD magazine in 1971, it brought protests for its seeming disrespectful tone. It even launched a brief FBI investigation into possible political subversion.  So, why am I bringing it up? 2 reasons. First, Mr. Jaffee just celebrated his 95th birthday. Second, In all of the turmoil of the Election, it is important that the pledge be for all people. Not just the moneyed elite. More importantly, to weed out infection the poisons of bigotry by all people need to be aired. Burying thoughts and ideas through euphemisms and language discussion allow the opinions to fester. The quote "Just because you silence a man does not mean you convert him" very much applies. Donald Trump has made efforts to silence his critics. His critics have made a double effort to silence. him. And nothing gets done.
Read more

The Date (Blogophilia 13.5)

So, here she was at Manuel’s, her usual fifteen minutes early.   A quick glance to make sure the lipstick line was still straight.   Satisfied, the compact disappeared into the leather purse.   Kari hadn’t been this nervous meeting anyone in quite a long time.   But then, it had been at least 20 years since she had been on a blind date.   What will he look like?   All Mary told her was he was a bachelor with a paying job and no kids.    Nothing about how old, or whether he was a slob or a crackhead.   Not even the guy’s name.   Only that she thought Kari would enjoy his company.     Just be at there at 5:30. Sipping on her gimlet, it seemed like she had never left.   The Musak was mostly Sinatra and the political types still hung to their tables like they were still in high school.   Tony, the manager, gave her a peck when he saw her and said she could come back to work any time.   No.   She’d had enough of slinging swill and dealing with the obnoxious, of stepping over the hoo
Read more