Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Buzzwords (Blogophilia 5.6.2)

Good morning and welcome to Orange Inc.  My name is Joe Task and I started this company.

Most people compare us to that other fruit company.  The one that makes computers.  People think they are so great and they changed the world with their "innovative" products, like phones and media players and junk.  But in reality, it's my company that began the nightmare.

We manufacture Buzzwords. 

We took the normal things in offices and homes from around the world and using our patented fraction distillation grammatical methodology (patent pending) and renamed them.  Our words serve to make people seem more businesslike and "professional".  Yes, we invented the "Forward Thinking Manager".  We turned a simple letter into a "Personal Communications Statement." And turned mass layoffs into "Right Sizing and Redeploying Our Human Capital".  All this to support a "Lean Environment", which allows for "Revenue Supluses" to accrue to our "Stakeholders".  

Whatever the business term, we turn it on it's head.  Customers become "Revenue Sources".  Your salesmen are now "Client Facing Experience Engineers".  The Accountants are "Process Tracking Specialist.  Anyway, you get the idea.

Our mission is to have people so confused that they don't realize a "Domestic Pleasure Intervention Director" is the hooker your husband hired last night and a "Property Application Specialist" is the burglar that took your mother's heirloom ring.  And we counter the resentment by our Revenue Sources by deploying "Property Security Directors" to escalate their concerns to our "Harmonizing Executive Locating  Level and director Saton L. Beelzebub.  Mr. Beelzebub is also my boss.  I signed everything over to him after losing a poker game in Vegas.  Yeah, it sucks.  Or should I say a "Less Than Optimal Outcome". 

I guess I better live up to my name. 

Damn it, Lucifer!  Can't you keep the coffee warm?


  1. Replies
    1. This one has been brewing a while. The last several weeks I have been training on a contract and have had to learn the internal jargon of the business. And there is a lot of it. Pair that with walls of "motivational" images, it is overload.

  2. This is optimum humor, at its finest, Christopher. Love it!


  3. Great job!!!m(whyiotter)

  4. AHAHAHAHAHAH... this is hilarious Christopher...
    I fell off my chair laughing when I got to "Domestic Pleasure Intervention Director"... ahahahha.. blinking brilliant!!...
    you need do a few more like this pal...
    you got my head buzzing!!!!...
    the Domestic Engineer .. we know as the House Wife should love this ...lol
    the next time you start up a business.. stay out of Vegas OK?...
    I bet they love you there!!!... ahahah
    try to improve on your "Less Than Optimal Outcome" status Christopher .... lol
    spectacular blog and such a brilliant concept .... loved it!!

  5. Very Clever!